Conversation About the Definition of Cheating
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“I guess it occurs whenever one person in a relationship does something with the opposite sex that their mate wouldn’t approve of. Basically, it’s cheating if you feel the need to hide what you’re doing and cover your tracks. If you know your dude is sleeping around and you rather he didn’t, but you don’t think infidelity is a big deal, that’s not cheating. Chlamydia? Yes. Cheating? No.”
“You’re obsessed with The Clap. You would have fit right in at Sterling Cooper”
“Huh?”
“Every time you have the opportunity to randomly name drop a venereal disease in conversation, you choose chlamydia. Syphilis gets no love from you. What did syphilis do to deserve this treatment? Did syphilis forget to send you a Christmas card last year?”
“Actually, gonorrhea is ‘The Clap’. Chlamydia is just, well, chlamydia.”
“You sure? That doesn’t make any euphemistic sense. Plus, alliteration makes STD’s much more fun.”
“Stop asking questions, and stop trying to use big words to deflect from the fact that your stupid ass didn’t know gonorrhea was “The Clap”. Anyway, you never said if you agree with my definition of cheating. Makes sense, doesn’t it?”
“No. It makes even less sense than The Clap. If you compiled all the sh*t I do with the opposite sex that I hide from my girlfriend because I know she wouldn’t approve, it would be enough to fit in…a…big ass box that stores shit you hide from girlfriends. She probably wouldn’t have approved of the five minutes I spent today googling names of women I met in Caribana in 2002 just to see if they were still alive. She probably wouldn’t have approved of the face I made last week when the surprisingly thick chick with the Jewish fro at Sephora bent over to reach a bottle of Escada Sentiment for me. She definitely wouldn’t approve of half the daily conversations I have with women, including this one. Seriously, the only way “my girlfriend finding out about this conversation” wouldn’t equal “an argument that could only be settled with five consecutive days of shower cunnilingus” is if I told her you were a lesbian. And, even then it probably wouldn’t matter. My point is that I try very hard not to reveal any of that stuff to her, but nothing I’ve done would be considered to even be in the same ballpark as cheating by any sane and rational person. I’m no saint, but I’m definitely not no Don Draper either. And, I know most women aren’t sane and rational, but for the sake of the discussion, lets pretend”
“You’re funny. Seriously, you’re almost half as funny as you already think you are. I guess this makes you Peter Campbell.”
“Thanks! See, I just think there’s a huge distinction between “Cheating” and “Inappropriate, but ultimately harmless behavior“. There’s no forgiving cheating. And, since infidelity is the only behavior I wouldn’t approve, it’s only cheating if it’s actual sex. It’s my only unconditional dealbreaker.”
“I thought being a Laker fan was an unconditional dealbreaker for you.”
“Well, that too. But, short of actual sex, I’d be willing to at least entertain an excuse for any other behavior. I mean, if I found out she drunkenly kissed a disabled sailor at a New Years Eve party, I probably wouldn’t consider that to be cheating. In fact, once I put her through a couple months of passive-aggressive hell, I’d applaud her for her altruism. It’s tough for vets these days, yanno?”
“So, if you found out your girl gave Shaq a naked lap dance, you’d be ok with it as long as he didn’t break the seal?”
“Hell no”
“Why not? That contradicts everything you just said. I mean, that’s short of sex, and since they didn’t have sex, in your book that’s not cheating, right?”
“True. But, Shaq used to play for the Lakers.”